OCTOPUS OF MEMORIES

HI BLOGYI good day to you, I hope you are just fine well, I wake up very late today cause I slept really about 8 o'clock in the morning don’t know really I have a lot of problems in sleeping in a normal way don't really know why ?I sleeps and then wake up about thousands times with no reason at all as if someone wakes me up, I wake up to find the room very dark very quiet with no reason at all to wake up, I guess this is the feeling of unsecure although I sleeps beside Saif for 5 days in the week ,tell every Thursday and Friday he just goes to his grandfather ,well he is very naughty boy makes a lot of noise all day long with al lot of energy which is usually spent on me, I am yelling almost all day long but I guess I am really get used to it very much and, I am also very nervous now a days with no reason at all without knowing where this nervous really come from exactly but it’s ok I get used to this too I guess with no problems in dealing with it .

Don’t know why? as if I am a time bomb about really to explode all the time .don’t know the reason although I read Quran a lot and pray too but still have a lot of rage and anger inside a great amounts as if they are really tones of it crowded in my heart with no place for them all, it’s very messy in there very , I don’t know how can I really get rid of it ,as if they really locked inside me with no space to get out through a lot more then you can imagine, as if it’s really a prisoner inside me, as if it’s really under sedge, hope to know why this negative power ,I think the only reason that makes me upset all the time nervous all the time unhappy all the time ,with no idea how can I deal with it? And with its existence deep down below ,and getting worse every day, when memories came out too it really turns into an octopus with very long hands suffocating me keeping me from breathing as if it really pushes my throat very strong to really get rid of me very fast, but when I slow down and think what do I have to remember, I didn’t do anything wrong, I was very patent tell the end, I wasn’t the mistaken one and all this memories is just a lie ,I really lived in it with nothing really to be sad on ,how can I be sad on a lie, I guess cause, I was happy with this lie I know that I was illusion and I wasn’t happy at all bit I guess I was happy with this illusion with this acting as if I am a baby happy with a toy in his hand even it wasn't his even he got to go home and leave it where it really belong ,really I guess I was this baby happy with things which really didn’t belong to me weren't mine from the very beginning but, I guess the feeling of happiness which really I felt even it was really a fake who makes me felt that way anyway, this octopus really suffocate me with his long hands with no mercy at all, I am trying very much to get rid of him but it’s out there waiting for me to see me in this mood to attach me, as if I am a victim, he loves to attach and to eat me from inside out with no mercy or no caring at all about what that really make her feels it finishes me out every time leaving me tiered a parts, as if I am little tiny parts just thrown away out there, when it see me again it really repeat it over and over again, as if it’s really some kind of punishment happening to me again and again and over again, I don’t know where to really hide I can really hide from anyone except from this octopus cause he really know where to find me and how to get me and how to finishes me out, he is the winner with no competition at all he really knocks me out from the first punch so,no one can rescue me really, oh god please help me .