FEAR OF COMMETMINT ON THE EADGE OF MADNESS

HI BLOGYI well I am not that good I know that you are really done from me and from my problems so blogyi please just hear me out I feels as if I am going to explode I am really going to do so please can you really help me I noticed something in myself but really I translated it very late blogyi you know what I really had issues big fat one really but in the same time I don't know how do I really need to deal with them I had a large feeling really refilling me from the inside make me run with my maximum speed as if I am some kind of a fugitive as if a I am running for my life as they really says don’t know but I am not running for my life no I am really running from my own life from Mai itself you how is that could be blogyi when I feel I am really happy close to someone I really freak-out I really run decide to leave this relive this happy feeling that good feeling too you know although I miss caring a lot in my own life and miss being so close to someone but in the same time I am so afraid to be so close to someone I feels as I am suffocated as if I am dying in this relation as if this caring and sharing I am seeking for from seconds and has just find it as it turns into a big octopus hands turning around my neck as if it really pushing me inside a deep dark whole this whole is really what I am really scared of you know why cause I really fall in this whole before it was really ugly in there as if I am really dying as if I am get used to someone and become an addict really addict to him then he leaves in a very bad way with hurting me and stabbing me in the heart with no mercy at all so I really turns into a runner at the very end I run from anyone I feels really secure with really happy with really nice to me I run with my full capacity without even explain anything I feel I am very secure by this way even I really hurt myself with this way more then I really hurt no but me cause I really need the feeling but can’t really afford to have it in my life fight for something then dump it and run away when you really get it I know that it’s a very bad issue but it’s really out of my own hands it’s just a feeling really filling me inside I can’t trust no one even myself even myself I really don’t know what to do am really with this issue going to be alone my life am I really judged to be like that is that some kind of punch god really wrote it on me is that my faith but really it’s a very hard one hard and so difficult to me I don’t know what to do but please god have mercy on me I am really tired I am really on the top of madness you are the only one who can really relive me from all of that i am really doing mad