DONE OF LEFTOVERS

you know what I am really done with leftovers, I really had a lot of leftovers in my whole life don't know why, I guess really it is my choice, I am the one who really pick them up with my own well, without any reason ,even this really makes me really suffer a lot, but I really prefer to have it that why without knowing really why is that, I guess Ii have a reason really deep deep down inside, but really it's so strange, I do choose the people which I deal with, have a lot of obligations around them married have issues in their life without thinking that really could affect me in a very bad way, really not only affect me it really had a bad influence on me, and on my whole life around it ,also affect my mood and affect my needs, and affect all my desires,, affect all things in my life, but I don't really think about it in that way, I only think about it as if I just want to get them no matter from whom and no matter what is this person circumstances, what I am looking for even from a person who had his life and his needs and his surrounds, and I know that is very wrong indeed may be selfish too but really it’s out of my own hands, but really I don't calculate it that way, I am really looking for some things particular, I am just looking for care, I am just looking for share, I am only looking for a tender touch without any benefit behind ,don't know why, but it’s really the truth, I never used someone to take something from him, I never ask for anything from anyone even from my ex husband, I REALLY HATE ASKING FOR SOMETHING EVEN IF I REALLY NEED IT VERY MUCH CAUSE I REALLY THINK THAT ANYTHING ASKED FOR AND JUST CAME IT'S REALLY WORTHLESS FOR ME , I am a very shy person that is my nature, so I guess it is not my nature to use someone, or just to ask for from anyone, I just ask for care, I know that it's not right to search for care from someone really involved with someone, or married one or a person with issues, but really I am not looking for a husband, I am just looking for a friend a special friend ,who can really give me all the care I am really asking for, all the tender I need from this world, this is what I am really looking for, this is what I am really digging for hopping to find it someday, so Ii guess that is not too much, but I really dig in the wrong places to search for it ,but it’s really a thing I can't hold myself from doing it, it’s really out of my own hands, I know that it’s not right to do so cause it really hurt me in the very end, but really I don't mind being hurt in order to find what I am really searching for or just a piece of it, I guess it’s not right I know that but I know that when I really find a piece of it , I really became very happy indeed ,and really it made my whole life better better in my mood, and better in all, or just better only some parts of it, I really smile from my heart, I really find that I got younger, I really find that I really turn to a happy person colored one with a lot of colors, after being just black and white, I know that I really stopped chatting long time ago, but I really can't do it anymore I am now back to chat don't know really why but it really what happened I am back to digging again without any reason without any well to stop that, I just will keep on searching hopping to find what I am really looking for, but really when I find it AND THOUGHT THAT I AM HOLDING WITH MY OWN HANDS , I realize after a while that it was just an illusion, nothing but an illusion, it is really a bad feeling makes me full of bitterness, I feels that everything really loses its taste, and really I go through a sad period with a lot of disappointing and despair , but although I suffer a lot I am still searching and I will not stop tell I really find it finally, but the only thing I am really positive of it that when I really find it even it is also some kind of leftovers, I will really know his value and will never let go that ease, cause I were really tired in searching, and I will put it inside my own eyes, and will really keep safe and good inside my own heart, don't know why but I guess that is really what I am really looking for caring tender touch from someone who really care from deep inside ,and to really appreciate me as a person not any person as a special person with all his heart, I guess I am not done till this moment ,I am searching and will keep on searching till I really find that or die, I know it’s out there somewhere looking for me too and also feeling sad ,that he is alone just like me but I really have faith that he is out there looking for me full with desperation from really finding me, as I am looking for him, so I am just telling him, I am there and tell we meet, life will just go on tell god welling says so THAT FINALLY WE HAD TO MEET